I’m Not Ready To Let Go Yet

You watched me dig a hole to bury my heart, even gave me the shovel.

There’s no remedy, no matter how many times I’ve tried to quit you!

The beginning and end are identical, no way forward or back, no in between.

I’m trapped in a kaleidoscope of insanity.

The scenery keeps changing, yet the feeling remains the same.

Did I take the red pill or blue?

Moving in rapid slow motion, you know, the kind when you’re falling in complete darkness.

The falling is never-ending.

There’s time, too much time to think and replay the same falling scene and feel fear heighten every time the dream loops.

I blame you.

You saw me falling and didn’t stop me.

Now what am I to do?

Am I the only one whose gone out of my mind?

Why are you not suffering?

Does my grief not affect you?

You’re just going to stand there watching me?

Are you amused?

Am I fun to watch?

Who’s going to take responsibility for me in this state?

Will you?

My eyes were wide open when first I saw you,

or perhaps I had on rose-colored glasses.

I still can’t help loving you even though I’ve handed over my life to you.

You moved me to new heights when you smiled at me.

You moved me like a starving child whose insides twists and knots, waiting for nourishment.

Like a mother who lives in agony after she has lost her one and only child to a bullet,

like justice she will never quite get even when the culprit in locked away.

You moved me in ways I never thought possible.

You brought a new wind into my life, a passion, a hunger to know you.

I wanted to be as close to you as the shirt on your back.

What do I do now that’s taken away from me?

How do I get another you?

You’re still standing there, smiling at me, watching me dig this hole.

Finally, when my heart is covered over with cold dirt, you approach,

taking your place beside me with your hands shoved in your pockets.

We both stare down at the fresh plot of earth, above it a stone,

it’s the day you died and took my heart with you.