Stuck In a Box

I normally don’t allow what people say affect my mood, however, my mother, and God knows I love her, put me in a funk yesterday. For some crazy reason my mother thinks or at least acts as if I don’t have feelings…for men. Before you leap to conclusions, no, I am not a lesbian, not even close to one. Let me explain further. It isn’t everyday that I find someone interesting enough, male or female, to extend my hand in friendship. When I find someone who blows my mind on an intellectual level, I tend to hold on to those types of people. I invest my time in getting to know them. I came across someone of that nature about a year and a half ago, who just so happens to be male. He also happens to be fifteen years older than I. I’m thirty years of age by the way. As much time for me that he has, I use every drop of it with him. I’m so curious about him, where he’s come from, how he’s gotten to where he’s gotten, and so on. He’s totally different from anyone that I’ve met in a long time. Naturally, when two people spend enough time together, a bond forms, and that’s what happened in this case. He and I can talk about anything, and I mean anything. Whenever we see each other, smiles appear on both of our faces. He’s just an extraordinary man. So, knowing that my mother and I have an open dialogue, I talked to her about how I feel about him. To sum up what she’d said; he’s too old for me, she says, that I couldn’t handle a man of his nature, she says. Here’s the thing, even though I’m a thirty-year old woman, I’ll never be that to my mother. I out of five daughters that she has, am the only one she treats like a child! I do not carry myself, nor speak as a child. No matter what I do, I can’t break her image of me. She’s said that she can’t see me married; she doesn’t want any man touching and kissing on me! Furthermore, she’d be disappointed if I ended up pregnant, married or not. I don’t get it. There are many reasons why I chose to stay single, but now that I’m ready to date, not get married, but date, she always has something to say about it. I’ve been single since 2007, and believe me, it was much-needed. I wouldn’t have been good for any man or friendship. It’s taken me since then to pull myself together, and it wasn’t until late 2013 that I’ve felt myself again. Now that I’m in a good and healthy place, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, there’s no harm in at least dating. My mother is not a bad mother, just a touch invasive. It would also be wonderful if she would trust my judgment, I mean I haven’t ended up pregnant in all this long, so why not trust me? I feel like no one takes me serious because they can’t seem to get past me as a the child they once knew. I’ve been an adult for some time now, and I’m responsible, and careful. I honestly don’t know what else I can do to change my mother’s and even my grandmother’s perception of me. They’re forever telling me what I don’t want, how do they know what I want? They don’t always know what’s best! So, I just shut down yesterday. I didn’t have anything to say to anyone and my mother knew she’d said something that I didn’t like, and it was the way she did it. You just don’t out someone’s personal conversation, a conversation in which I trusted her to keep from spilling from her lips, to family or anyone else for that matter. I figured I could talk to her about it and that would be that. I see, however, that I’m going to have to keep certain things close to my heart and deal with it the best why that I can.


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