Where am I in life? A murky place. I’m caught between the present and the future. For the past, I don’t know, six months, I’ve been flailing, fighting to pull myself out of bed to work another day. Today marks the day I’ve failed to do so. I can’t begin to express how drained I feel. I look around and see or at least the perception is I’m not moving forward, though it isn’t true. I am moving along and a promotion is in the works. I don’t care, not one bit.
Recently, I’ve visited a clinic for women’s exams and a few weeks ago, I was at the dental office. Here is what put the perspective of my health crystal clear to me. At my exam, I had elevated blood pressure but two weeks later, while I was on vacation and my BP was 123/76. My job is trying to kill me! While I was on vacation, I did things I enjoy and I got some rest. My health was under control because I wasn’t at work. I didn’t have multiple tasks or the weight of trying to manage co-workers on my shoulders.
I’ve never been good at dealing with stupid, it makes my blood boil. Nor do I approve of people not pulling their weight, thus making others work 2x harder. No matter how much we try to correct bad behavior, nothing changes. I’m quite certain I didn’t sign up to work at an adult daycare center.
I have co-workers who really don’t understand the concept of working in upper management. To be blunt, it’s responsibility coupled with crappy pay. So, here’s the thing, I’m taking my physician’s words to heart. If I were to die tomorrow, my position can and will be filled in no time, so why should I keep depleting myself to the point of exhaustion just to keep a company from capsizing?
No individual is made for that kind of undertaking. So, here I am at home because I could get myself out of bed to deal with another day of work. At the end of this year, it’ll be three years I’ve been employed there and I used to pride myself on my missing work. But, more of it is in the future. I don’t know how much I have left in the tank, especially with a promotion in the works.
But, I’ll tell you what makes me happy and what I’m anticipating for the near future. I enjoy baking. I’ve been in the kitchen for more than half my life, yet, as of this past Wednesday, I was in the kitchen in the evening decorating a cake. I was tired. It was the kind of happy tired that I’d accomplished something with my own two hands and it was something that I wanted to do. Hopefully, that made sense. As for the future, apartment life is going by the wayside. For the last three years, suddenly, I’ve wanted to start a garden. I remember leaving with a family friend to Arkansas; I was a kid at the time. \
Once we made it to the person’s house we were visiting, I noticed that the had a garden outback. Imagine that! Living in the city, I’d never seen anything like that and even now, people are way too obsessed with manicured lawns. It’s amazing how you see something as a child and decades later the interest resurfaces. The older I get, I just want to settle somewhere quiet, build a garden, perhaps an orchard if I can scout enough land to do so. If I can cut out the need for visiting a grocery store, then I’m all for putting in the hard work to build a better and more sustainable lifestyle.
I know I have further research to do. I don’t want to work another nine to five after this job ends. I want to be a business and landowner. How all this will happen, I have no clue, but people before me have done it so it isn’t impossible. So, this is where I am, caught between the present and future and I’m very optimist over what’s waiting for me on the other side.