Inking Words Silently and Digitally
Life and death in the same inhale of breath. Oh, how we praise its beauty; vibrant and sweet. Yet, when it shrivels and dies, it reminds us of our mothers. We thought nothing could ever touch her, she’ll live forever. Now a cold tombstone and a bouquet of flowers are all we can offer. Hold fast the memories of all she was, but know, all things go back from whence they come.
©privatethoughtsmadepublic. 2020.
They get tossed aside when they are of no more use. Doesn’t matter the treasure inside. Who needs to re-learn what they already know?
Though the pages turned a brownish yellow, the spine remains in tact; the last to go.
But oh, these new and fancy books are are flashy but of no substance. Their flimsy colorful covers arrest your attention until you peel back the pages, only to find it blank.
No ink; nothing lived; blind; null and void. What does your book say about you?
©privatethoughtsmadepublic. 2020.
Intrigued with photography. I’ll probably start snapping away in hopes of capturing a decent shot.
Time has been nothing more than to be passed. Remember when the minutes ticked away so slowly? When morning lasted forever and night felt as if it’d never come? Now, I can’t seem to get my bearings nor can a thought stick. I forget far more than I should. I tire trying to solve another’s problem. I’m exhausted. Work consumes my life. That’s all there is. Still, I long to stop, not pause. When was the last time I’ve enjoyed the day? Why can’t I just let the suffering suffer?
I don’t have many loves. But, I do have dreams. Why must they all include people? I haven’t discovered the wonder and joy of picking a vine ripened tomato from a garden that doesn’t exist.
I’m restless. Tiers of calamity and negligence assualt me daily. Sometimes I think it’s far better to do evil; it prospers. Any and all good results in erasure or is swept under the rug.
I feel defeated. Numb. Auto-pilot takes over and I end up in a room. If only I could disappear, cut all communication and live in the middle of nowhere, would it result in peace or happiness? Am I wanting to flee the dragon that’s setting things ablaze? How much more do I have to fight and is it even worth it?
Here’s Sue’s latest…Presence
1902
Daisy knew she and I were like night and day. City girl loved her amenities and a country boy like me liked things simple. I bought this land in the middle of Missouri.
She hated it. The nearest store was ten miles away and she cried every night for the first year of our marriage. Then we started having kids. Two boys and a girl. Oh how she’d light up when they ran giggling through the meadow.
Daisy fell ill on her 50th birthday… Since she’s been gone, I’ve marked her absence with large stones. I’d like to believe she’s still there in the meadow waiting beneath a stone all my own.
©privatethoughtsmadepublic. 2020.
Here’s Sue’s latest post, Fume. Guess it’s time to flex my severely underused chops.
It was too late, they’d been discovered. Freedom was underneath their feet but, the light was gaining on them. They thought they’d planned accordingly, their escape from the school for the gifted. Experimental meat was what they were reduced to. Sliced, chopped, discarded and on to the next victim. Some couldn’t help but wonder if their escape was just another test; a survival of the fittest. The light was there–not their saviors, but invisible stalkers who can taste their fear.
©privatethoughtsmadepublic. 2020.
Where am I in life? A murky place. I’m caught between the present and the future. For the past, I don’t know, six months, I’ve been flailing, fighting to pull myself out of bed to work another day. Today marks the day I’ve failed to do so. I can’t begin to express how drained I feel. I look around and see or at least the perception is I’m not moving forward, though it isn’t true. I am moving along and a promotion is in the works. I don’t care, not one bit.
Recently, I’ve visited a clinic for women’s exams and a few weeks ago, I was at the dental office. Here is what put the perspective of my health crystal clear to me. At my exam, I had elevated blood pressure but two weeks later, while I was on vacation and my BP was 123/76. My job is trying to kill me! While I was on vacation, I did things I enjoy and I got some rest. My health was under control because I wasn’t at work. I didn’t have multiple tasks or the weight of trying to manage co-workers on my shoulders.
I’ve never been good at dealing with stupid, it makes my blood boil. Nor do I approve of people not pulling their weight, thus making others work 2x harder. No matter how much we try to correct bad behavior, nothing changes. I’m quite certain I didn’t sign up to work at an adult daycare center.
I have co-workers who really don’t understand the concept of working in upper management. To be blunt, it’s responsibility coupled with crappy pay. So, here’s the thing, I’m taking my physician’s words to heart. If I were to die tomorrow, my position can and will be filled in no time, so why should I keep depleting myself to the point of exhaustion just to keep a company from capsizing?
No individual is made for that kind of undertaking. So, here I am at home because I could get myself out of bed to deal with another day of work. At the end of this year, it’ll be three years I’ve been employed there and I used to pride myself on my missing work. But, more of it is in the future. I don’t know how much I have left in the tank, especially with a promotion in the works.
But, I’ll tell you what makes me happy and what I’m anticipating for the near future. I enjoy baking. I’ve been in the kitchen for more than half my life, yet, as of this past Wednesday, I was in the kitchen in the evening decorating a cake. I was tired. It was the kind of happy tired that I’d accomplished something with my own two hands and it was something that I wanted to do. Hopefully, that made sense. As for the future, apartment life is going by the wayside. For the last three years, suddenly, I’ve wanted to start a garden. I remember leaving with a family friend to Arkansas; I was a kid at the time. \
Once we made it to the person’s house we were visiting, I noticed that the had a garden outback. Imagine that! Living in the city, I’d never seen anything like that and even now, people are way too obsessed with manicured lawns. It’s amazing how you see something as a child and decades later the interest resurfaces. The older I get, I just want to settle somewhere quiet, build a garden, perhaps an orchard if I can scout enough land to do so. If I can cut out the need for visiting a grocery store, then I’m all for putting in the hard work to build a better and more sustainable lifestyle.
I know I have further research to do. I don’t want to work another nine to five after this job ends. I want to be a business and landowner. How all this will happen, I have no clue, but people before me have done it so it isn’t impossible. So, this is where I am, caught between the present and future and I’m very optimist over what’s waiting for me on the other side.
Sue’s #writephoto
Her last morning has been reduced to this…she cracked and snapped under the currents of life. Perfection is a wasteland of sweet lies. When the cold and death sets in, we all realize in that hollow moment, we were meant to fade away like the setting of the sun.
Copyright ©privatethoughtsmadepublic. 2019.
into the blue
where forgotten
thoughts linger…
in the embrace
of the mother
you never knew…
and in front
of a mirror, your
youth has faded
each day…
fine lines, grey hair
and the twinkle
in your eyes–
remember when that
was all you needed
to make her smile?
Copyright ©privatethoughtsmadepublic. 2019.
I miss the sweet smell of fresh cut grass. The way my mother brushed my hair-she always knew how to get every strand perfect. I miss how my father was never around, even at “Bring Your Parent’s to School” day. Now, he’s present and such the burden. I have to be an adult about everything, even when he lies. I miss my list of ‘first times’, many I can’t remember. The few I can recall scared me to the point my heart raced, palms became slick with sweat and any confidence I had was replaced with stuttering words. Somehow, I didn’t fully appreciate those moments. Every now and again I miss my former personal struggles, it let me know I was alive, that I was going somewhere even if I hadn’t a clue if I was able to take the next step. Now, I’m not sure where I am. I just want out…into something fulfilling. Along the way I stopped learning about myself. But, I can admit this: I’m angry, frustrated and exhausted.
©privatethoughtsmadepublic. 2019.
..and now I know how alone I am on my knees wailing in the dark. Even my deafening cries reverberates back, scaring me witless. I almost don’t recognize myself.
©privatethoughtsmadepublic. 2019.
Among billions, I realize I’ll die before he finds me. Love is a mystery I’ll never get to unfold.
©privatethoughtsmadepublic. 2019.
Her last thought-
…was a dream.
©privatethoughtsmadepublic. 2019.
Old man and gin
a pair of dirty socks
cyclical golden memories
packed away in a shoebox.
His suits from the cleaners
are all wrinkled, tossed in a
pile in a corner, never touched
since she flew away.
Conversation by the stove
lost in her distant eyes
he burns the eggs
then slams the pan in the sink.
Trips up the stairs
fighting fear and trembling lips
white sheet pulled up to his chin
then it starts all over again.
©privatethoughtsmadepublic. 2019.
“We all go a little mad.”
Psycho, 1960.
It was a cold one
watching him push her on the swing.
Everything seemed to bow
before her,
even the Weeping Willow.
How had his spine become so
soft?
Was it the pink space between
her legs,
or the way she smiled;
perfect white teeth…
She must be a sport
Ivorymen kill for.
Invaluable.
I am an indigenous flower that
grow in the harshest of places.
Scorching sun, frigid nights
sand and wind seek to tear me apart.
I go unnoticed until a cure is sought.
I’ve been here all along
but was pushed to the back of the
line
for something palatable.
He shied away from bitter
licorice when I was the answer.
I didn’t taste good going
down,
but he’s breathing.
Irreplaceable.
©privatethoughtsmadepublic. 2019.
I know him like the back of my hand. Weekend benders lead to a week of absence. But, when he returns, he says, “darling, you bring sunshine to my life.” I aim not to. In fact, I try to avoid him at all cost but, he tracks me down and corners me for a free ride. I know what’s next, he apprehensivly professes his love for me. I’m quite good at poker face and silence. I can’t care much, this lower back pain has nagged me for years and surprisingly, it’s shifted from the right to the left. I can live with the pain but not a sixty something who thinks he’s still a spring chicken. No sex is better than old sex. The new wave of abstinence has arrived.
©privatethoughtsmadepublic. 2019.
It was easy for him to take another
never thought he had to shoulder her burden
or consider the look in her eyes
for he had a winning prize.
New skin to fondle
to soap in a hot and steamy shower
she made him feel what he once felt
a burning and yearning below the belt.
So much so, she left him a fever
no one could cure
no drug had been invented yet
to cool and calm the burning crawling up his neck.
A mild cough, then came the chills
he thought it a fervent love she left him with for the day
the I miss you blues
but she never left a clue.
The 24 hour love bug was never this bad, not even with the one he kept in the dark.
He pressed through work then went home
to a hot meal and a cool glare
then he noticed her hair.
This was how she looked on their wedding day
soft deep waves only a surfer could navigate
she held up her set of house keys and tossed them at his feet
then proclaimed that that was the last meal he’d ever eat.
He isn’t angry that she’s leaving him
he has needs she can no longer meet
but, his brows begin to trickle sweat
when he looks after her, a man stands at his Chevy, a military vet.
When had his sweet wife stepped out on him
when had she become a whore?
And curse his flaming mind
and no rest he will find.
If she’d done all the kinky things he wanted, he wouldn’t have left
this was her fault, the breakdown of their marriage
she should have submitted to his fun and games
now he’s in all this pain.
With blurry vision he was beginning to see that this pain wasn’t love
it was too unbearable and his blood ran too hot
it has to be a disease, a terrifying one that works less than a day
if he made it to the hospital, what could he say?
That he met a woman and it was a one night stand
and she left him something to remember her by that the CDC’s never heard of?
will he be quarantined or will his eyes melt from their sockets
when he goes to the restroom, will he shoot off like a rocket?
He’ll be the laughing stock of modern day medicine
“he couldn’t keep it in his pants,” they’ll say
he’ll give them something new to study that HELA’s immortal cells couldn’t overtake
an unrepentant mind, a selfish soul, even if cured, he’d still devour cookies unbaked.
©privatethoughtsmadepublic. 2019.
I left it all behind, friends, family, career, expectations and ended up here at and off road diner. The walls are bright white, the tiled floor, polished. The wooden counter houses dents and scratches. Obelisk glass jars sit at each end of the counter for tips, makes me think of sorcery. They’re there for more than just a testament to something. Perhaps, a portal to another dimension. I’m the only customer here. Hot chocolate dances over my tongue then slides down my throat as the young waitress leans over the counter chewing her gum like a cow chews cud. She watches me and blows a bubble that covers her nose nd chin. It pops and she picks it from her face then stuffs it back in her mouth. I continue sipping my drink as light taps of rain streaks the window. It was an easy choice, leaving. The high life cost too much, much like wristlet, ankle bracelets, and chokers. I shouldn’t have listened to my mother when she pushed for my marriage to the president of some prestigious company. He was quite the actor. Behind closes doors, he thought he owned me, controlled me. I got myself shackled to the Lucas name and the only way out was to disappear. I was at peace in the middle of nowhere until lights beamed down, sweeping over the diner. Now would be a good time for thise obelisks to activate and warp me to another place. One where I can’t be found. Then the waitress shouts over at me with a sly grin, “Are you sure that’s what you want?”
©privatethoughtsmadepublic. 2019.
